PowderBlueOrbit: How-to Bury a Baby in Sand (a Special Summertime How-to):

I've been getting lots of requests for the proper baby-buring technique lately. It seems summer really is in full swing. I consulted Special Seaside Operative, Sandy Bottoms for this step-by-step process:

STEP 1) Select a spot where no seagulls will shit on your child, and where a random wave won't creep up to drown your baby or take him out to sea.

STEP 2) Scoop out the required amount of sand so that your child will be comfortable, yet not able to do a large amount of wiggling around. (NOTE: while comfort is of the utmost import, also make sure that there are no little sand crabs' homes in the immediate area nor broken glass, bottle caps, etc... Depending on where your beach is located, beware of other environmental hazards, such as crackheads, dingos, Cambodian pirates, etc...)

STEP 3) Place child in the excavated area.

STEP 4) Cover child in sand up to the neck. (NOTE: be careful that your chlid does not get scorched in the sunlight.)

STEP 5) Pat sand.

STEP 6) Enjoy!