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Today has unanimously been declared Today Sucks Dick Day by everyone living in the NYC area, and by considerable proponents from the rest of the US, world. "Why?" you ask? Here's the Top Ten reasons why today is Today Sucks Dick Day:

10) Region lulled into, "Is this great weather or what?" mood over the weekend, only to have it yanked away sometime between the weekend and now.

9) Rain. Make thatSideways Rain.

8) Lack of invention, availability of mythical "Ultrabrella" that doesn't instantly break when used, and does, in fact, keep users dry.

7) "Icky" wet denim blows, creates musty balls.

6) Unable to realize dream job of making stupid noises all day long (like the black guy from Police Academy) to the delight of overly-generous and easily amused employer, a legal Emma Watson.

5) Want to finally see Transfomers, yet unable to do so while keeping ass planted firmly on couch, loaded bowl and cocktail in hand.

4) Due to 94% humidity and #9 (listed above) hair looks worse than Screech's.

3) NYC weather doesn't have illiterate Steve Schill or confused Harry Volkman to laugh with at.

2) Unable to ride bike, must subject oneself to the subway.

1) As pointed out by a colleague, "Everyone's [shitty] attitude in here is reflecting what's going on outside..."