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"Hey man, what's your band?" Guy.

"We're called Chief Beef." Chief Beef Member.

"What?" Guy.

"Chief Beef, like, you know, not just any cut of meat, but like the best beef. Like prime cut shit. Like, if music is like beef, then we're at the top. Dig?" Chief Beef Member.

or

"Chief Beef, like, we have alot to say about how fucked society and this country has become under "The Shrub's" Administration. So, like, we have big beef. Like we have alot to say. Our music allows us to express how we feel." Chief Beef Member.

or

"Chief Beef was this rib joint we used to eat at right outside Sun City, across from our practice space, and my upholstery job..." Chief Beef Member.

Perhaps, I'm being an asshole. Maybe I am being quick to judge. Guess what, I'm not. And I don't even have to listen to their fucking music. I can tell immediately by visiting their site, which is styled like a Soccer Mom's Interior Design "company" and their press releases. Here's why:

1) Why would you want to "sound straight outta the Midwest--straightforward indie rock with a durable rhythm section, big guitar chords and hummable vocal melodies...?" Why wouldn't you want to sound like yourselves. Btw, what year is this, 1996? What is a "durable" rhythm section? Is it one that's not great, but durable, as in it holds up? Are "hummable" melodies desirable or are they forgettable? Does one want to hum their favorite rock tunes? Let me answer these questions. This review basically says, "Don't bother wasting your time with this band because they're mediocre."

2) "...they're sure to appeal to fans of Shiner and Traindodge, or even Queens of the Stone Age." Who the fuck is Traindodge? QOTSA suck ass because they sound like 15 million other bands put together, which is what they are. Plus, Josh Homme is an arrogant prick. So, this review also tells me, "Don't bother wasting your time with this band because they sound like QOTSA."

3) Husband and wife duo bands are always intolerable, with the exception of Sonic Youth. And they don't count because Kim Gordon is like a man. "John and Christine (Lipfert) have been playing music together for over nine years. The way they understand each other and the different tones on their instruments is truly incredible," says Alaniz (asshole drummer, of course). "How close they are really effects how honest we all are with each other. We don't hold anything back because if you keep a lid on certain feelings it just creates bigger problems later on." Ewww. So this band is about everyone being sensitive and honest together? I'll be honest with everyone right now, fuck you. Again, this review says, "Don't bother wasting your time with this band because they are pussies."

4) "...a band that yields juicy slabs of power-trio rock. The Phoenix, Arizona, band's 2007 Gravy Tour... ...The bass grooves are succulent, the drums employ a plump thump and the guitar lines are butcher-shop fresh." Jesus Christ with the meat references already, and the Simpsons-Episode-When-Homer-Becomes-A-Food-Critic-Style-Reviews. I can't fucking take it.

I've become so angry that I'm probably going to slide under a semi on the way home, thanks to having all this meaty imagery in my head compounded with rage of knowing that, somewhere in the Southwest, is a trio that (with straight faces) calls themselves, "Chief Beef".