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Ghostland Observatory Sucks and Blows Ass.

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Ever disturbed by the state of contemporary music, I will now explain why the mindbogglingly popular band Ghostland Observatory simultaneously sucks and blows ass.

OVERVIEW

There are many reasons this band sucks and blows ass. For clarity's sake, I will condense the following into 3 parts. The song analyzed is Sad Sad City.

THE SINGER

It would be easy for me to say that the singer is clearly an asshole, but I won't because I believe this to be entirely too obvious. To be fair, I have never met him, or entrusted him with anything sensitive. We have never tipped a glass together or shared a sad tale.

Speaking of tales, let me tell you a story. When I was 15 and in a hardcore band called PLR-1, I would sometimes wear a thrift store sundress and Doc Martins while I played. Why? Because I was a dumbass teenager, and I thought such a brazen act of assholery was punk. In a similar sense, the singer (an adult) thinks that it's cool to style like a hippie Pocahontas while ripping off Mick Jagger's and Robert Plant's best moves. Why? Obviously he knows that he needs to compensate for this music's total sucking. Jagger and Plant strutted because (at their zenith) they knew their music was the shit. I'm sure the air at their concerts was thick with an electricity that only excellent and earnest live music can ignite. As Jagger and Plant's rock star legacy soared during their careers, they certainly earned the right to strut and posture. This singer, however has earned no such status; and since the music completely blows ass there is no way that he could be physically or emotionally so moved as to jump around afool. His mannerisms are lies.

THE KEYBOARDIST

Why would you don a stupid cape as worn by the keyboardist? Once again, it's completely transparent that he knows he has to up his game because the music just doesn't cut it. Worse, the cape is a comical caricature of what a real cape should be, evident by the too-high (read: silly) collar and poor material quality. What is that hour-glass-like shape poorly crafted into the back of the cape? Is it the Ghostland Observatory logo? No, because they don't have one. Is it meant to hype black widows? No, because if so the hour-glass shape should be red. The only logical explanation is that the cape provides a sense of security for the keyboardist in that it acts like a protective barrier or a safe visage to hide behind. The cape is a mask if you will, to hide from his untruth. Akin to the singer's antics, the keyboardist's faux look of intensity is clearly a falsehood because the music being played is pre-programmed and simplistic. There is nowhere near enough compositional depth or sonicism that would warrant such a high level of concentration. Like the singer, the keyboardist is a liar.

THE MUSIC

This song, Sad Sad City, is lazy. Even the most amateur musician could compose this song in 5 minutes or less.

Here is the recipe:

1 x kick
1 x bassline
1 x melody
1 x bundle of hackneyed lyrics

Directions:

Program the kick to hit on every quarter note. Repeat for the duration of the song. Be careful not to color the kick sample or make it unique. Write the most uninspired bassline and hold each note for a whole measure. Make sure not to vary the bassline, or add other basslines. Repeat for the duration of the song. Write the most obvious melody your can pick out. For this, it's good to use the initial notes your fingers hit when first checking the keyboard to make sure your synthesizer is powered on. Do not over think the melody or try to build on it. Repeat for the duration of the song. Unpack the bundle of hackneyed lyrics and add to the mix. While singing them, become excited and animated. Pay no attention to the fact that the lyrics allude to pain, alienation and lost love. Make sure to overly repeat the chorus; "Well I need you to want me, to hold me, to tell me the truth. Ain't no party in a sad sad city."

Empirical proof that the song, Sad Sad City sucks and blows ass can be obtained as follows. Go to the video on YouTube (or elsewhere). Wait for it to load completely. Use the scrubber bar to jump to various locations in the video and release to let play. Notice how the song remains the same over it's whole duration. It never skips a beat. It's as if one measure was hastily written, then repeated till the end. In fact, this is the case.

CONCLUSION

Music is the greatest of all art forms, and the ability and opportunity to perform for an audience is a privilege. Therefore, it is a gross insult to create lazy, sub-par music (hence; sucking) and attempt to convince your audience that it is great through gimmick and pantomime (hence; blowing).

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Comments

Well written "palindrome." I was an English major in school and I can't write anywhere near as well as you have. You'd make one hell of a great music critic - maybe you have already obtained that title professionally. Oh well, keep it up guy - it gives me something to live up to in a way. Oh - and I still wear some of the same T-shirts I donned while sucking it up with PLR-1. Sad isn't it?

Black Francis, than"x" for the compliment, and check back frequently as this blog is critical to a successful, well-rounded life.

Meanwhile, perhaps you should shut the fuck up and guest write something?

PLR-1 and tight-fitting T-Shirts Rule!

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