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Last weekend, my boys decided to have a double team birthday party at Water Taxi Beach. By showing up to one party, I was able to satisfy two separate birthdays! This is a step in the right direction.

If I had my way, I would take every group of friends, and reassign their individual birthdays and birthday parties to be on exactly the same day at the same time. I would also decree that there could be absolutely no deviation from this communal birth "date", including, under no circumstances, separate birthday celebrations, or even worse, birthday dinners.

Such sweeping change is possible. For example, I've had a longstanding policy of boycotting birthday dinners (or group dinners — defined as parties of more than 4 people congregating at a specific time to eat food together at a restaurant or bar), and, proudly after years and years, I've trained my friends to accept this and thus disclude me from such events. Now, I don't even have to do anything, like make up some bullshit about how I can't attend. Now they just know — they have been trained.

Continue reading "Water Taxi Beach." »

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I swear to Orf that someone is getting handed a Beatdown today. Will it be you?

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The only thing more horrific than Coney Island, is Coney Island on a shitty day. Just look.

And yet, this is when you should buck up and throw yourself headlong into the experience. This is when you eat $20 in fried food, drink crap beer, avoid stumbling drunks, woof down a funnel cakes and give money to surly carnies to play fixed games.

Or, you can check out Coney's new, tasteful and exciting attraction.

Continue reading "A Bright And Sunny Place." »

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I've wrote about NYC beaches before here, and here. This summer, my boy turned me onto another, "hidden" beach called Gilgo Beach. Gilgo is just past Tommy Hilfiger at Jones Beach Theater Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, on eastern most end of Jones Beach Island. It is part of the town of Babylon. If you like, you can check out this riveting, live web cam of the beach, but I warn you that it's pretty exciting, as there is alot of visual stimuli to process.

Gilgo is a surfers' beach, and yes, people surf on the East Coast. The bitch is that it costs $30 to park your car in the parking area, but it's $30 per car so rolling with a crew helps distribute the cost. Oh, and you have to run across Ocean Parkway to get to the actual beach, but as long as you are relatively sober, it's not so bad. The lot area also has restrooms, and The Gilgo Beach Inn, which we thought was a restaurant, until we went in there for a book of matches, only to realize it was actually a full liquor bar.

On the far end of the lot is a dock which features boatloads of locals who cruise into Great South Bay, moor up and get hammered all day long. Apparently, this is nothing new, since this area has been a shady pirate hang-out since the early-mid 1600's housing the likes of Blackbeard, Captain Redeye and Captain Morgan. Who knew?

(More action-packed photos, and a somewhat interesting amateur documentary about Gilgo, after the jump...)

Continue reading "Gilgo Beach." »

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My friend decided to shoot guns for her birthday party. Because we live in The Most Difficult City in The Universe To Do Anything Simple we have but one option; West Side Pistol Range.

For $55 you get this:

1) 45 minute lesson from a man who talks with closed eyes, only to open them in a state of rapture whilst touching "his gun".

2) Piece-of-shit .22 rifle. (Which is literally chained to the table in the range.)

3) 1 box of .22 rounds (50 total).

4) 5 magazines.

5) Cheap eye protection.

6) Reasonable Ear protection.

7) Free targets.

8) The priceless camaraderie of hanging out with strange New York gun people in the basement of a building on 20th in Chelsea.

Basically you don't get alot of "bang for you buck". Garf! Yet this isn't the real tragedy. The real tragedy is that it's easier and cheaper to buy blow or blowjobs in The Big Apple than to own a gun.

How much, exactly? The gun permit costs $575.25, and here's more fun FAQ.

So blow and blowjobs are much, much cheaper. Far cheaper than the services of your mother as she does charge a pretty penny after all...

(Pictures of how much I rule after the jump...)

Continue reading "Guns." »

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Because I am an ass, I missed 98.5% of the Ulrich Schnauss show last night. Why? Because I worked harder than overweight Rik Shaw driver dragging an equally overweight foreigner; and as a result, showed up late, feeling oddly "thirsty".

When I finally made it to the excellent World Financial Center's Winter "Garden" Venue, Dorit Chrysler was on stage playing the red-haired stepchild of all instruments, The Theremin, and I now wish I paid more attention because in retrospect it was sort of awesome, certainly a worthy endeavor of one named "Dorit Chrysler".

So I missed Schnauss, although I've seen him before. Nonetheless, I earned the right to say "Schnauss" in a faux German accent as many times as I care to retell this bland story. The End.

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Tons of shit goes on at World Financial Center in Battery Park, except that no one ever really knows about it until it's too late. Like Bang On a Can for instance, note "We Had A Marathon!".

With my little eye, I spied a listing for a free Ulrich Schnauss show tommorrow, Tuesday, June 24th. Fennesz, Kode 9, and Four Tet will be there this summer as well.

Brooklyn Vegan has more info about this show, and other cool shit happening there this summer.

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I was talking to my "German" friend today, Chillmost, who had blogged about this excellent "I'm An American Living In Germany Blog" he was recently informed of called Nothing For Ungood.

It's pretty goddamned funny, and much of it's content I have noticed while over there. For example, everyone knows a Handy is a fun, quick Handjob, whereas in Germany it is a cellphone.

I dug around NFU and found this hilarious post once again proving how awesome German beer is and how endearing Germans can be when it comes to drinking it. The site is called, 1000 Arten Ein Bier Zu Offnen, and while I'm no German, I bet it translates to "A Thousand Creative Ways to Open Your Beer" like this big-boobed German with a man's belt and pizza ring is doing above.

(Notice how you can dick around in public, blatantly drinking a beer.)

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MBV shares the love. I like the comment that says this somewhere in here:

"I HOPE VAMPIRE WEEKEND OPENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Irony? Sincerity? Madness?

***UPDATE*** Tickets are tumored to be $52 + Service Fees, Christ!

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If you're into GoodTimes and are planning to be in or around Chelsea this Thursday at 6:30pm, I've heard that this is where you should go.

You can RSVP here.

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I'm totally biting Gothamist again, but I find this street art enjoyable as well.

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I'm totally biting Gothamist, but I find this street art enjoyable.

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I had a hell of a ride to the Autechre show yesterday on a beautiful day that looked like this. I stopped on the Pulaski Bridge and took a snap of Manhattan/Queens.

Continue reading "3 Borough Autechre." »

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During lunch today, I happened to walk by Hurley as he struggled to contain his excitement for the opening of his new bar, Hurley's in The Mother of All Clusterfucks that is Time Square. Congrats Hurley!

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Recently, Mata-Sue-Eye held a press conference not only wishing my boy a happy birthday, but inviting him to see a game.

Everything was GoodTimes until a spaceship of epic proportion descended upon the field, creating havoc, terror.

Continue reading "Yankees. The Final Season." »

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I'll bet you want to pay $10 to go to The Rave at Supreme Trading next weekend? Well, Friday, April 4th will be your lucky day. RSVP here and PLUR it up for only $5.

The big deal is The Glass, a vocal electro project from New York Brooklyn. But not only that, there's "more to come!" Word is the kitchen sink will not be in attendance.

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Drive-ins rank just above a slide show in terms of viewing pleasure, but old cars are cool. And who would have thought such a combo existed in Manhattan?

Grand Opening is some sort of arty revolving project thing whose current endeavor is plunking a '55 Ford Falcon "Convertible" into a gallery space with a video projector and a pop-corn machine. The project is called DRV-IN..

Recently, my man came to visit so we got some beers and watched Napoleon Dynamite, as evident by the High Resolution Photography I've posted. For you gearheads, the owner said something about how there was never a '55 Ford Falcon Convertible, but there was a '55 Mustang Convertible, so the Falcon guys modded a Falcon and tried to get Ford to produce it so therefore this car is a one-of-a-kind. Or something.

Continue reading "DRV-IN" »

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Proximity, free admission, and a couple of Margaritas made conditions right for me to finally visit the fancypants new New Museum last night. The current four-part exhibit is called Unmonumental.

It cost nothing to get in, but I paid in other ways. Mostly, the art I saw left me feeling old and square. In my head, I repeatedly asked myself either; "this is art?" or more often simply,"what the fuck is this?" I ambled from piece to piece feeling not unlike a confused old man lost at the mall.

Continue reading "New Art At The New New Museum. New. (New.)" »

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Why is this party called Bad Decision? Who knows? But the underage zombie holding the logo assured me that Blacklight Paintball Tourneys are "totally going to go all night, man." Two of my boys are throwing this party, and two of my other boys are spinning it. Boys. Birthday parties. Boys.

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Vladislav Delay and Kate Simko are playing at Galapagos tonite.

There is another Aloft party with Soundpool tomorrow. The first 50 people in the door get their new CD. Advance tickets are available on the InterWebs through PayPal via MySpace.

Thank you.

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Well, it looks like the best thing ever actually happened, and while I'm not sure if I want to cough up the $50 + $10.25 + $2.50 to see The Verve this summer, I am sure I will find myself at one of Swervedriver's two NYC dates. Probably this one.

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I spent last weekend upstate with my beautiful girlfriend, and a couple good friends. It was a blast.

We rented this property which is just outside of Woodstock. That’s right, that Woodstock. Well, actually the house is in Saugerties, but you get the point.

We basically did Jack + Shit. It looked something like this, after the jump...

Continue reading "Upstate." »

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I'd hate to think that NYC will adopt any more things from London, but I actually believe PlanNYC 2030 to be GoodTimes.

As someone who rides the streets daily, shit's out of control. Plus, the chronic "empty pockets" of the MTA need mending. If you can, you can participate in the democratic process here.

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I'm always astounded at how baffled NYC becomes when it snows. People panic and the citywide I.Q. drops considerably. But as this has always been a constructive blog, I have some advice that I am graciously sharing with The City of New York. In fact, I can consolidate my advice in 3 Easy Steps:

WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF SNOW IN NYC

1) Plow
2) Shovel
3) Salt

Thank you.

Also, umbrellas are for rain, not snow. As such, walking around with an umbrella in the snow is queer.

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Speaking of music, if you're in NYC, there are some Soundpool shows coming up. If I were you, I'd save my pennies and hit the Aloft one up.

(Flyers with informative information after the jump...)

Continue reading "More Soundpool" »

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I'd like to write something clever, but I'm fucking tired and hungry.
If you live in NYC, go to this show.

Oh yeah, it's a musical show, not a gay sweater/cat contest.

"Informative" link 1.

"Informative" link 2.

"Hey, remember this" link 3.

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My man and I were walking into SoHo the other day, when we realized the dude stranded on the median across from us was none other than Ben From Lost.

How did we know? Well, although taller than expected, he looked and acted exactly like Ben From Lost. This man waiting in the middle of Allen had Ben’s eastern eurospike hair-do, and his Indiana Jones Nazi Guy That Melts spectacles. In addition, he was standing straight as an arrow and mowing down everyone before him with a gaze of superiority.

In fact, he looked and acted exactly as seen in the picture above.

It was a good thing that I was wearing my hair shirt that day, because the itch reminded me to pray to Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior for temperance and refuse my urge to beat him down in the street while demanding to know why his character (and show) blows ass so much. Worse, I forgot my conch back at the apartment, so there was no way to call Jack for support.

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Fuh + Que New England. Special Asshole Props to Belichick for his little tantrum. Bitches.

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I came in second on the first game, and blew it (4th place) in the second. Thank you.

Continue reading "Poker was played..." »

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My boy's girl had a birthday last week. The year prior he held a citywide scavenger hunt for her, and she loved it. This year he decided to do it again for her. The premise is simple: everyone meets up at a bar and forms teams, the teams simultaneously receive the list, everyone runs around for 2 hours trying to collect items form the list. The list of 29 (not 30, mind you) items is roughly broken up into 3 categories; “Riddles,” “Collected items,” and “Photos.”

The year prior, I had successfully avoided participating in the event, but this year I wasn't so lucky. The thing is, everyday life in NYC is a scavenger hunt. Don't believe me? Next time you're in the city, give yourself 2 hours to find a postage stamp, a pomegranate, and a police officer and see how you fare.

(Our list, and photos after the jump...)

Continue reading "Scavenger Hunt." »

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While I can't exactly say that I was a naysayer, I did have my doubts. Much to my glee, however, Green Bay lost like the bitches they are and somehow, the Giants find themselves in SuperBowl XLII.

During the game, a brutal tirade of txting occurred, and it went something like this:

ME: Having fun? Green Bay blows... (sent to my girl who was at a Green Bay party during the game.)

MY GIRL: People here gasped at your text.

ME: They will lose.

MY GIRL: Up yours [ME]. Packers rule!

...the tirade begins...

619 XXX XXXX: Up yours.

510 XXX XXXX: Whatever [ME]

347 XXX XXXX: You can take a long jump off a short pier! Packers rule!
ME to 347: It's long "walk" off a short pier, dumbass. Obviously you are a Packer Backer.

917: Eat shit - fuck face

619: Up yours. Puppy hole.
ME to 619: What the fuck is a "Puppy hole". Clearly you too are a Green Bay fan.
619: Pussy - hole.

917: Go pack go

MY GIRL: These people say, "packers rule!" (accompanied by the above photo.)

414: Giants eat queer dicks (sent from a man, wow!)

...then, of course, Green Bay loses.

MY GIRL: Everyones crying.

ME: Haahahaha

Oddly, there were no more txt's from any Packer Backers after that. Way to suck-ass Green Bay. Hahaha. Although the city shouldn't be too sad, as they did come in 1st place for something...

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I really hope New York beats Green Bay this Sunday, but I don't know if they can do it.

What I do know is that the only thing more retarded than backing the Pack is owning a chihuahua. Putting these two things together and dyeing the dog green borders on brain death.

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I guess I never posted about the new bike I got when this bullshit happened last summer.

Since I liked my first ride, I ended up going back to Specialized and buying another Sirrus model. This time I opted for the 2007 Sirrus Sport model which has a carbon fork and stays. I will say the carbon does absorb alot of minor road shock, and they look pretty cool too.

The new Sirrus has treated me well, and, more importantly, it hasn't been stolen yet. About a month ago, I noticed that it was skipping alot, and after the new year, I figured it was time to bring it in. (More, after the jump...)

Continue reading "Bike Mod." »

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Everyone knows how wacky Williamsburg can get, just look at the snap above.

Be prepared for it to fly even further off the hook tomorrow, Friday January 10.

Why? Because patrons of Supreme Trading will be graced with the ability to witness a rare and wonderful DJ set by "the kid from Madison" Andi P., along with the brilliant Gavin Royce.

Supreme Trading is at 213 N 8th ST between Driggs and Roebling. The DJing commences at 10pm. Oh yeah, it has a MySpace page, which is odd, because I thought bars were inanimate objects that didn't eat or speak or surf the WorldWide InterWeb. But like I said, WillyB gets loose...

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Like I said before, the best thing ever maybe be The Bull.

Everyone do their best Chris Walken impersonation and say, "I gotta have more bull..."

Which you will get, after the jump...

BTW. It costs a whopping $10 to ride the bull, except Tuesday nights, when it's "only" $5.

Continue reading ""I Gotta Have More Bull..."" »

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I almost ran over a pug the other day. I was cruising through the Village going southbound downtown on 2nd AVE. I made a left crosstown turn onto 10th ST, on a green. I had the right of way.

There were pedestrians on either corner, and they began to move as I was completing my turn. Suddenly a pug darted out from the crowd, tethered by a 15 foot leash.

I skidded and missed his squat little head by inches.

As I rode away, the owner yelled at me, calling me an asshole. I yelled back, telling him to fuck himself and keep his fucking dog on a short leash, out of the street.

In retrospect, I wish I had run over the pug and mind you, I like pugs. In fact, I wish I had installed a wheel of sharpened blades on my front tire, with a little catch-all pan behind it. This way I could have swooped in and lopped off the little buddy's head without a hitch. It would roll into the pan, and while riding, I could pick up the head and hold it high as I tore through the Village laughing, and laughing, and laughing...

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NY1, being the bastion of quality that it is,picked this up as a feature. I guess these girls won $10k or something for this.

Funnier yet, is the initial YouTube search yields this Subway Stripper first... (Get ready to get turned on.) Yikes.

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I've wrote about Soundpool and their Aloft shows before.

This video is from that show. And now? Information about the Saturday, December 15th Christmas edition, after the jump...

Continue reading "Soundpool Show 121507" »

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My man is way more hip than I. So that's why he's all "Kid America Club", and I'm all "Derek & Simon: The Show".

If your head doesn't explode from the KAC landing experience, then scroll through and op some videos because this shit is pretty funny.

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At Thanksgiving, my family came to visit me in NYC. My mom had scored tickets to The Rockettes Christmas Show at Radio City Music Hall, and, although I was cynical (a first, because I am the most optimistic person you could ever hope to meet. In fact, I've been know to bring sunshine where there is darkness, and laughter where there is nothing but sorrow...) I must admit it was an awesome spectacle.

Continue reading "The Rockettes." »

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It looks big on The T and V, but it is small. Thank you.

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Oh. "The Tree" is chopped down and slaughtered for another annoying holiday up. Yawn.

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After playing some cards last night, I decided to be a man and, yet again, keep it real. So I ambled down to The Bowery to see Prefuse 73 play with some other bands about the number seven, and blue coves with Unicorns, or something.

I've told you about The Bowery Ballroom before, and at $15 the price was right to see one of my favorite electronic musicians.

More after The Jump...

Continue reading "Prefuse 73 Still has "It"/Other Bands Interesting..." »

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In the spirit of "cyber-monday", post "black friday", I aim to keep it real. But I'm not really sure what black dudes are into these days.

According to this high-profile New York City advertising campaign, as seen above, dudes be rockin' Batman.

Rest easy, The Black Bat has got you covered. I've always found that to Shop Iced out Pimp and Ho Gear was pricey, but TBB's got a line on some inside shit.

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Anyone who has ever gigged, knows what a pain in the ass it is to move gear. Enter the band van, which has made it possible for generations of rockers to play shows, smoke weed, and get laid.

I got this "ad" from La Otracina today offering their moving services for hire:

Attention Bands in NYC/Brooklyn!!!! Attention Bands in NYC, need van transportation to-from your gigs?!

Call Man-Van NOW for transportation of all your music related gear moving needs, whether it's to-from gigs, sessions, etc...

SPECIAL to-from gig rate!!: Going with your gear from Williamsburg/Bushwick/Greenpoint/Lower Manhattan to a gig in Williamsburg/Bushwick/Greenpoint/Lower Manhattan, round trip pick-up/drop-off, only $45!!! Better than any car-service you can find!

Call now to reserve for your upcoming show! 917 637 0070

thanks-
MAN-VAN

Sure it's a pretty blatant bite of infamous Man with a Van, and they're not sure if they should spell it all caps or sentence case, and if you're not playing in lower Manhattan or Williamsburg you're SOL, but fuck it...

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My boy took me to the US Open for my birthday this year. I'm not a big tennis fan, but I have to admit that it was alot of fun. We had Ground’s Passes which means you can walk around the grounds, and have access to everything except Arthur Ashe Stadium.

The USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center is out in Queens, across from Shea. All of this excitement happened a while ago, and